THE DRAGON

Euphoria

       I was in love with cocaine from the very first line I had at the age of 15. Scott said, “I’m giving this to you because I’m your friend.” It was magic. The feeling of power over my insecurities was amazing. I felt smarter, prettier, stronger than I felt naturally. In the beginning it was fun. So much fun. Drinking champagne and snorting coke. Rubbing elbows with the rich and famous at the Beverly Center. I made a lot of money being a call girl for a madam in Beverly Hills. Enough money to supply me with all of the drugs I wanted. I was “living the dream.”

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The Middle Road

            In 1991, I was arrested for sales of methamphetamine with my husband in Palm Springs. By the time the matter was concluded in 1994 with a plea bargain for possession of a controlled substance, I was 30 years old and having my second child. That conviction was enough to “scare me straight.” I stayed clean and sober till the year 2000. During that time, I experienced a chaos-free, successful, happy, normal life. I attended AA meetings and went to church. I was the nursery coordinator for my church and had a wonderful job as an EKG technician for Pediatric Cardiology. My husband was released from his parole in May 2000. We went out on Cinco de Mayo to have a margarita to celebrate. I didn’t believe alcohol was a problem for me. It was only the drugs. But on the way home from the restaurant we bought a blender, margarita mix, and a fifth of tequila. I drank for 15 years and eventually went back to using drugs. I stayed “out there” till I was 50 years old when I finally crawled back to AA to get  sober.            

Rock Bottom

            During the 15 years I was drinking and using, my disease got progressively worse. I lost the house, the job, and the car. None of that mattered. My sole purpose in those years was to stay in oblivion with alcohol and drugs. There was never enough. My husband and children watched as I deteriorated into a psychotic mess. I was arrested, went to jail on several occasions, and spent a lot of time in psychiatric wards and hospitals. I drank a fifth of vodka a day. I used whatever drugs I could get my hands on. Coke, meth, pain pills. I drank hand sanitizer when I couldn’t get out to buy alcohol. I crushed and snorted any white pill I could find in a desperate attempt to get high. It was insanity. I was alone and afraid. I hallucinated. I saw demons and the ground opening up to swallow me. I had the DT’s every time I tried to quit drinking. I went to detox 11 times in one year. I didn’t eat, go outside, or bathe. I slept for days at a time in my clothes and did not know whether it was day or night. The last time the ambulance came to pick me up, an officer said, “Oh no. It’s not you again!” The doctors at the hospital told me not to come back as there was nothing more they could do for me. I was in hell. There were several suicide attempts. I admit that some of them were for attention. A cry for help. I did not want to die. I just didn’t want to go on living the way I was. My last suicide attempt was in October 2015. I took a bottle of Norcos. My oldest son found me unconscious in the living room. They called an ambulance-once again- to take me to the ER. I was in a coma for six days. The doctors told my mom that they didn’t think I was going to make it this time. My mom and my sons were at my bedside day and night. While I was in that coma, I never saw a bright light. There were no angels to take me to Heaven. There was no devil to take me to Hades. There was nothing but silence and darkness.

The Road Back

            On October 16, I awoke and was transferred to Mission Hospital in Laguna Beach to begin a detox and rehabilitation program. I was too physically sick to stay so they put me on a medical unit. I was given Suboxone to relieve symptoms of Opiate withdrawals and a Big Book.

On October 22, I was released and signed over to the custody of my mother. I had been given prescriptions for bi-polar disorder and my son took me to CVS to get those medications. While in the store, I picked up a pint of vodka and snuck it home in my purse. That night when everyone was asleep, I took a swig off that bottle. Everything went black. I had never been so scared in my life. I poured out the rest of the vodka and went to bed. The next night I went to an AA meeting. I was jaundiced, my hair was dirty, I shook, and could not get my mind to stop racing. I tried to listen to the women’s stories. They say, “Look for the similarities and not the differences.” I could not find any similarities. I felt that I was the lowest person on the face of the earth. No one could have ever done the things I had done or felt the loneliness and depth of despair that I felt. I was “terminally unique.” But I felt something in that room that night. Love and understanding. A woman reached out to me and gave me her card. She said, “Call me.” I don’t know what possessed me to call her, but I did the next day. She told me I never had to drink again if I didn’t want to. I believed her. She became my sponsor. I kept calling her and began going to meetings. They said do 90 meetings in 90 days. I didn’t drive. I had gotten a DUI.

So I walked and took the bus everywhere. They said to work the steps. I didn’t believe they were going to work for me, but I did them anyway. Slowly, my life began to get better. They said to change my attitude to gratitude. I did. You see, I had always had everything I needed in life, but I never had the ability to count my blessings before. I developed a relationship with my Higher Power. I surrendered my will and my life over to his care. I wanted to be “happy, joyous, and free.”

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Today

            Life in sobriety has not been easy for me. Two days after I picked up my 30-day chip, I got a call that my middle son had been shot and killed in Missouri. I had to fly back to arrange his funeral. My sponsor arranged to have somebody from the Program pick me up from the airport and take me to meetings while I was there. This past April my younger brother died from complications from the flu. I had to fly back to Ohio and take care of the arrangements.

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My youngest son is going to prison for 25 years for an assisted-suicide. I will be in my 70’s before he is eligible for parole.

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            Even throughout these past 3 ½ years, I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink or a drug because I have a fellowship around me that loved me till I could love myself. Friends take me to dinner, give me rides to meetings, help me with employment, but most of all support and encourage me when I am down. I follow directions. I try to be of service. I act my way into right thinking because I’ve learned that I cannot think my way into right action. When I first came back to AA, my cognitive abilities were nil. I was in terribly bad physical shape. I could not carry on a conversation or remember anybody’s name. I never dreamed that I would be working and attending college. I took only one class in Health and Human Services because I was filled with so much fear and anxiety. That one class has launched me on a path to becoming a full-time student pursuing my Certificate as a Human Services Generalist, as well as, obtaining a degree in Journalism.

Tomorrow

            Although I take life “One day at a time,” I have hopes and dreams for the future. I continue to go to meetings and stay involved in this Program. I know that as long as I stay clean and sober, life is full of possibilities. Should I fall, I know that I have friends. Friends that won’t abandon me and will be there to pick me up. But, I know that I never have to drink again if I don’t want to. That “hole in my soul” that I tried to fill with alcohol and drugs is now full of love and an appreciation for life. A life I never could have imagined for myself. I maintain a close relationship with my family and make living amends to them every day. I have a purpose. I don’t know exactly what that purpose is. But, as long as I continue to trust in my Higher Power and work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have nothing to fear.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can

start where you are and change the ending.”

                        —C.S. Lewis